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Daddies are in the stars for Virgo, while the approaching end of summer augurs generally good sexual prospects for all.
Aries, March 21 - April 19
You’re the only Zodiac sign that can gut-wrestle with a monster cock up your ass and still spit a pubic hair out of your mouth. You are too uptight about not being tight. Take a break from the stress of sexenomics, rub some Oil of Olé on your hole and focus on your relationships. Midmonth someone may be after your spot. Turn them around with your wisdom and let them sleep in your wets spot. A short trip near the end of September brings you closer to the truth. Throw out the box of files labeled “Stalker Notes.” Taurus, April 20 - May 20
September is full finger thrust month and it’s finger lickin’ time. Getting a grip on more than just your Johnson is needed in order to grasp the brass cock ring this month. Be obedient in order to save the beating. Your hat gets tossed into the political arena midmonth, so expect a couple of bad hair days. Speak your mind and learn how to suck caucus and you might change some minds. Taurus is the great liberator last week of September and you’ll be hanging to the left. Check your planner for conflicts on the 30th. |
Gemini, May 21 - June 21
Grease your hair, throw the nipple clamps on and break out the Vaseline — Gemini is gettin’ some stick pussy this month. September is the month to get the stick off and hunker down like a tight end in the locker room. The stars are setting you up for success. Be aware of your surroundings on the 12th instead of surrounding those you beware of. Be conscious of any health issues related to weight midmonth. A recent detachment brings belated gifts on the 22nd. Think re-gift and check your stash box. |
Cancer, June 22 - July 22
Cum and get it you porking pig! The orgy slop triangle has rung and you are as nasty as a peach orchard hog. Throw out sole meditation and start networking in September. A new life is just around the corner. Pornstar, dorm captain or exit pole taker may be your thing! You have more on the balls hangin’ than your competition mid-September and superiors take note. Family affairs catch up to you around the 23rd causing you to slam a fist or two. Pay respects and be on your way. No anal on the 29th. |
Leo, July 23 - Aug. 22
Short on cash for that “Trans”-action transaction this month? Flip-flopping like McCain on your sexual identity could backfire or front squirt. It all depends on how you “handle” them. Idle hands are the whore-shop of Leo in September. Keep your senses in tune with magic, art and puzzles. Getting one in a position to help midmonth may require a little fingering around the 13th. Spit on it and work it like Pamela Anderson in order to stay on top. September staggers out like a twink on Nyquil due to a fury of last chance Texaco pool parties.
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Virgo, Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Hose your Daddy? Saying uncle may be required in September due to having your tits in a ringer. Virgos are good with money but not with change. Reduced income doesn’t mean reduced living, if you economize and recognize what it takes to get you off. Check the shorts of others for an unexpected wad. Creativity is high mid-September, allowing you to be in the company of higher-ups. Be a true bottom and service their desires and rape the benefits. Don’t open that gift from a secret admirer until September is over. |
Libra, Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
You’ll be like Lady Gag-Gag this month as you become a true “Pop-a-Rawseat” sucking and fucking until your legs and lips give out. You were robbed of time for creative expression in August but September will give you the artistic license needed to free your perverted intentions. Organization and attention to schedules is a must in order to get back on track. September is the month of opportunities if you make time to accept them. You will enjoy great material gains the last two weeks of September through good communication skills. Body language and crotch aroma get you through the door and into his seat.
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Scorpio, Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
It’s time to give up your flamboyant slam-boy-end ways and take on a real man. That man is you. September is the month of self realization and exploration. Masturbation does not count unless you respect your hand. Confidence is high, allowing you to accomplish what others only wish they could. Even your nipples make a point. Midmonth legalities have you staying close to home base and close to your elders. Joint ventures pay off on the 23rd. September ends with a party you won’t soon forget. Face painting with jism.
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Sagittarius, Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
October-fist is just around the corner. Bend over and accept your Brad-worst. September may be a time to throw out the Sauer-crowd and start with a new pair of leader-hoses. Follow the commands of the dominant one in order to survive this month’s disorder. Living off the kinkiness of strangers has its benefits until the 17th. Midmonth’s planetary alignment puts a wild hair up your ass that’ll have you flinging poop out of your cage. Don’t take any wooden bananas. Head for the hills the last weekend of this month.
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Capricorn, Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Save the wails! Your neighbor would appreciate it if you kept your screams of ecstasy to a low moan. Pleasure is afoot in September due a new filling of your void. Make sure you are squeaky clean and free of cooties. Midmonth is truth or dare time and you are ready for the challenge. Work, play and in-between time will be on equal levels due to perfect harmony. Send your resume by the 25th or you’ll kick yourself! You will find that the time in the gym saves you from a close physical call toward the end of the month.
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Aquarius, Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
If it tastes like chicken it must be chicken. Young and hung is on your September men-u. Certain commitments you made in past months must be reconsidered in order to limit the risk of defaming your already questionable name. Flat tires, broken clocks and homework-eating dogs need to be kept at bay. Midmonth you take on the personas of those you admire, giving you the ability to tackle most obstacles. Returning to your old stomping grounds on the 23rd could backfire if you don’t perform proper intelligence gathering.
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Pisces, Feb. 19 - March 20
If he doesn’t eat meat on Fridays, tell him he’s safe eating you, Pisces. Spread your flippers in September in order to be the catch of the day. Your red snapper is chomping at the bit and daddy has the tartar sauce whipped and ready. Religious differences may play a part in a partner/trick falling out. Just stick it back in and put it in neutral. Spirituality is private and so are you. Mid-September is full of deadlines that may even challenge you so get some help and rest up. September ends with you smelling like a sweaty rose. By Greg Lutz updated Aug. 24, 2010 |
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