The Intern

a review by Onan the Vulgarian
Best of Phoenix Alternative Video Reviewer

	Cast: Ben Andrews, Michael Lucas, Christian Cruz, Jonathan Vargas, Ray Star, Matt Cole, Derrick Hanson, Jimmy, Zack Randall, Jason Ridge. Directed by Tony Dimarco.
	Lucas Entertainment, 589 Eighth Ave., 2nd Floor, New York, NY 10018. Toll-free orders 888-562-9125. Internet www.lucasentertainment.com.
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Michael Lucas parodies himself in The Intern, the first sex comedy from Lucas Entertainment. Tony Dimarco, who directed, has also written a clever and funny script that owes a nod to Ugly Betty and The Devil Wears Prada, but has plenty of its own inventiveness and hilarity.
    Lucas plays an egomaniacal version of himself, the CEO of Trojan Studios, obsessed with Botox and collagen injections, his new life-sized dildo that's due from the manufacturer at any moment, and the never-ending quest to find a model with a bigger dick than he's ever filmed before.
    Newcomer Christian Cruz, who debuted in Auditions 19, plays Michael's personal assistant. Cruz steals every scene he appears in, both sexual and non-sexual, with a combination of intense charisma, sexual magnetism, acting chops and carnal overdrive. Add fashion sense to that list.
    When the film opens, Lucas is juggling phone calls, spouting vitriol, as Cruz, wearing latex gloves, injects Botox serum into his facial lines. A string of would-be models sits outside the door, waiting to be interviewed. Among them is nerdy Ben Andrews. Ben is there to apply for a secretarial position but Michael's harried receptionist has lumped him among the wannabe porn stars. Cruz soon corrects the problem, and since "Benny" is the only applicant, he gets the job.
    It's off to the set, where Lucas is about to direct a scene with Jason Ridge and Jonathan Vargas, playing half-brothers who find each other sexually irresistible. The models are like peas in a pod: smooth, handsome and pectorally perfect. The highlight of their scene is when they take on opposite ends of double-ended dildo. For Christian, the highlight of their scene is when he sees the enormity of the bulge that develops in Ben's pants from watching the sex. He reports back to Michael, who waves his hands and tells Christian he needs confirmation.
    Zach Randall, a cutie if there ever was one, and Jimmy are loading boxes in the stock room, talking about pussy, when one of them breaks a bottle of liquid Spanish Fly. While wiping it up, enough of the aphrodisiac is absorbed in their skin to drive them wild with desire for each other. They vacillate between astonishment, disgust and lust, finally giving in to their urges.
    His endowment notwithstanding, I have not been a fan of Jimmy. His surly demeanor and limited sexual repertory seemed to concentrate all the negative aspects of "trade" without offering anything positive to compensate. Here, he compensates ( a little bit), making out with Zack, who gleefully sucks and rims and gives up his hole to Jimmy. Zach also demonstrates his ability to suck himself. Bad microphone placement (or sound editing) renders much of the dialog undecipherable, but it's not hard to figure out what's going on. One line that's not lost is the parting shot of the receptionist, who catches Jimmy and Zack cleaning up their cum when he comes in with a package for them to mail: "I always knew you were gay" — which elicits stunned denials.
    Matt Cole is the cute brown-suited delivery man who arrives with the eagerly awaited prototype of the life-sized Michael Lucas dildo. Oops — it's six feet long. Michael is the only one who's not amused. Matt hangs back when Michael tells everyone to get out, wondering if he can have an impromptu audition (he's even worn pull-away pants for the occasion). Lucas has turned in any number of amazing sexual performances with many different partners, but this is not one of the greats. No foot worship, no making the model wink his ass and not the best chemistry (although some interesting positions). Maybe it was the fact that they had only the floor or the boardroom table to perform on, rather than a bed. Maybe it was the distracting dialog, in which Matt negotiates the terms of his contract while Lucas is fucking him.
    Meanwhile, Ben is fuming about his new boss' implacable demands and imperious behavior; he daydreams about walking into Michael's office with a cream pie instead of his favorite macchiato and grinding the pie into his face. Lucas gamely puts up with this oldest of sight gags, and offers a fuller experience of this scene in the DVD extras.
    While Benny daydreams, Christian sets into play another timeworn porn strategy for getting a guy out of his pants: he spills his coffee in Ben's lap, then drags him to the rest room to clean him up. When they get to the loo, Cruz gets the visual confirmation that his boss wanted: it's definitely a whopper. Ben smiles sheepishly as his cock leaps to attention from all the "drying" and Christian prepares to suck it, assuring him, "Don't worry; I've done this before."
    Getting laid wasn't part of Christian's assignment, so they have to be quiet enough not to get caught. Ben spends lots of quality time with his face buried in Christian's tight, plump buns and later, when Ben is in the process of entering Cruz, Christian blurts between gasps, "tight, isn't it?" The argyle socks are too cool for words.
    Before you know it, Michael is trotting Ben onto the set of his new production. He tells the top he's already hired to go home, and hands Ben over to make-up. The make-up guy scowls at nerdy Ben, looks at the brush he's holding, and mutters, "this is a brush, not a scalpel," but after losing the eyeglasses, tousling the hair and changing clothes, Ben looks presentable. Everyone on the set has an attitude of "let's humor the boss and get this over with" — until Ben drops his drawers. Ben's scene partner, Derrick Hanson, is fully up to the task of handling Ben's gargantuan appendage and Ben once again embellishes his performance by spending a lot of time with his tongue in Derrick's crack. A star is born.
    The Intern is a wacky, funny production. Even if you don't like porn with a plot, the dialog and the sight gags all serve the story well and keep things moving along. Ben's two sex scenes are terrific — please give his scene partners equal credit. The art design is imaginative and colorful, the sex partners are well matched and the sex scenes are well integrated into the story without becoming unbalanced by the comedy. And although acting is not what one watches porn for, the performances are flawless, with all the right tics and nuances, especially from Michael Lucas, Ben Andrews and Christian Cruz.
    Disc 1 of the Director's Edition has the two-hour main feature, optional commentary by Michael Lucas and Tony Dimarco, trailers and a Web link. Disc 2 has watersports with Michael Lucas and Zack Randall, a bonus sex scene with Ray Star and Christian Cruz, behind the scenes, bloopers, outtakes, "The Pie Incident," cast interviews, the script, production blog, trailers, photo galleries, model bios, a Web link and three hidden video Easter eggs!

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