The Stone Age a review by Onan the Vulgarian Best of Phoenix Alternative Video Reviewer

	Cast: Eddie Stone, Jesse Santana, Trey Casteel, Logan Robbins, Tory Mason, Jamie Donovan, Jorden Michaels, Cole Ryan, Chase Matthews, Kyle Aames. Directed by Rocky Brown and Eddie Stone for EON Films.
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I wonder if Jame Gumb, the serial killer from The Silence of the Lambs, inspired the opening credits of The Stone Age, which are filmed against human skin. Eddie Stone heads the cast of Fred Flintstone contemporaries as we learn about the prehistoric human two scientists have discovered encased in ice. Jesse Santana's forlorn performance upstages his peers and contributes to the global warming that precipitated the scientific discovery. Fun.
    Cole Ryan and Kyle Aames, both in white lab coats and spectacles, are so excited by their find that Cole pops a boner. Kyle declares it understandable, given the circumstances, and they temporarily divert their attention from their cave man to take care of other needs. Cole leaves his glasses on for most of the scene, which adds an appealing layer of geekiness.
    Their climaxes send the viewer reeling back in time to the days when man first walked erect and fashioned primitive clothing out of animal skins. Eddie Stone, Trey Casteel and Jesse Santana are out hunting and gathering. Jesse falls off a rock (foreshadowing) and Eddie catches him by the balls. They exchange tender glances but the foreplay is cut off quickly by Trey. Not only is he the leader of the pack, he's Jesse's daddy, and he ain't havin' any of this queer shit. Enraged, he fucks Eddie fore and aft while Jesse watches and strokes. Eddie reaches out and calls for Jessie to help him, but to no avail.
    This is purely my interpretation of the events. There's no dialog for the caveman scenes, nor subtitles, though that might have been fun. The performers only sniff and scratch, gesture and grunt, beckon and point, and they suck and fuck.
    Back at the village, boss man Trey gives Eddie one last chance at redemption. He brings out a buxom cave woman and gives her to Eddie. But when Eddie fails to mount her, he is stripped of his furs and thrown out of the village.
    Eddie wanders, feeding on dinosaur carcasses, and fate leads him to a neighboring tribe. We know they are different because they wear gray fur instead of brown and there are no women. Even better, they do a lot of fucking and sucking, and not much hunting or gathering. Eddie joins a three-way in progress among Logan Robbins, Tory Mason and Jorden Michaels. After everyone's cum shot, Eddie proves his mettle by attacking a spy from his old tribe and smashing his skull with a rock.
    There's danger afoot, so no time to bask in the afterglow. Logan, Tory and Jorden want Eddie to come with them, but he knows that Trey's clan will kill them all, so he volunteers to be a decoy and lure them in the wrong direction.
    The ruse succeeds, and Eddie sees his beloved Jesse once more, but the exertion proves to be too much, and he collapses. Eddie awakes to the unmistakable sound of men fucking. It's Chase Matthews and Jamie Donovan, who has a ragged, glow-in-the-dark hairstyle identical to Tory Mason's. And the best thing of all, as Eddie learns after the cum shots, is that Jesse has defected, and joined the tribe of the gray fur.
    To celebrate their reunion, Eddie and Jesse create a bridal bower by covering a bush with their furs and skins, and having sex. Jesse is very appealingly lovelorn, and all too eager to at last have Eddie claim possession of his hole. But Mother Nature is no more approving of their union than father Trey, and she sends an earthquake that catapults Jesse to his doom — and indirectly, to immortality.
    We return to the present day, where a silly epilogue gives Tom Moilanen a chance to overact and gives Jesse Santana's modern-day counterpart (a soldier) a chance to stare uncomprehendingly at his doppelganger.
    The Stone Age is fun and it has some nice directorial touches — Eddie catching Jesse by the gonads, Eddie reaching out when he gets raped, the triceratops roadkill, queer cave paintings. But other parts might have been better thought out, in particular whether tattoos and piercings are convincing body decorations on a cave man. But the chief weakness of the film is the technical stuff. The lighting varies from crisp to shadowy, the film is sometimes very grainy, and the camera just can't get a lot of the angles or positions right.
    The DVD has cumshots, bloopers and a photo gallery.

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